After having moved to the home of my best friend at that time, my life changed tremendously. In that same year I would go to high school. My first couple years in high school were good, I had a very nice reputation among other students and had many friends. I lived for two years in this foster family, and slowly I became somewhat spoiled because they were quite well in their finances. My heart was grown very stony and I did not recognize that I was not loving the people who cared for me so much.
After about two years in high school I started to chase a girl and because I was hurt deeply in my heart, my zeal to find a source of love was very steadfast and furious. I started to write poems and really devoting my life and thoughts to pursue her. I even choose my study direction in order to just be close to her. In that time I also started to smoke, and just to satisfy my curiosity there was a time of smoking a bit of pot.
When my mom came back from Russia, I took the chance to break free from any authority and hide myself in the shed of our old house, that became the hideout for our group of friends. After a while my foster parents couldn’t handle me anymore and told me that I was not thankful and did not know anything about love, so they send me back to my mother to live there. At that time our group really began to pollute our whole village with our foolish behavior – we used drugs, smoked, drank a lot and invited many other youth from the surrounding towns to the shed in my backyard.
It eventually went so far that we broke all the windows in the elementary school in our town and stole some chairs and a coffee machine. This had drawn a lot of police in town and our group of about thirteen to sixteen people was forced to work on a farm and swipe donkey poo.
After a year or so my life changed drastically. My mom’s house was taken from her because of a huge debt and we became homeless. It was then that she contacted the church again, in order to seek for a place to sleep. We moved to Amsterdam and after living there for a couple months I was taken by the police from that place in order to live in a crisis youth facility under the supervision of youth care institution.
It was then that my real struggle began, I started to use drugs more and more and eventually I was sucked up in some weird condition of paranoia and schizophrenia. – It was not that bad that I was diagnosed with it officially, but it had an impact on the way I behaved at school and with people in general. It was after three months that I was set in a more steady department, from there it took just more than half a year till I could live on my own – but still supervised by youth care.
It was my second life as I saw it, it was like my youth was split in two because I moved away from my old neighborhood and started to have a new group of friends around me – this time they were in a more worse living than me and most of them were on drugs also, this included the use of pills, powder and grass. I got into it and that led to psychotic attacks which made me eventually weak and torn up.
Then once upon a night after going out it went wrong again and the people at youth care were forced to kick me out of their supervision and provision because it was too often that I came back bleeding from a fight or breaking some regular houserules they had, like inviting friends to chill in too often.
This was the second time I felt as if I lost all, because I was moved to another place to live with my mom, who had found a new husband and was pregnant. In that season of my life I began to seek God more seriously – I was reading the Bible while I was using drugs before; mostly the book of Proverbs. My pregnant mom, her husband Dmitri and I lived altogether in a room with two mattresses and a television, that room was not bigger than 10m2. Those months really destroyed much in me and without Gods grace I wouldn’t ever come out of that condition. I felt so bad, depressed, and alone.
I could never imagine how able God would be to safe me, give my dignity back, and send me out into the world to battle my fears and be a disciple of Him.